F*ck off russian doll; the anxiety attack.

I would have loved to take an hour to pick up an outfitt. But I don’t care enough anymore. I didn’t change twice, I wore what I wore all day. I didn’t think about what shoes I should wear. Flats. I brushed my hair quickly. Didn’t bother putting perfume on my neck, somewhere between my ears and my shoulder. I even forgot to moisturize my lips.

Anyways he was not from here and was about to leave. So, we would basically meet, speak, leave then adios. Keep in touch on our birthdays when facebook will remind us. If we add eachothers as friends. Otherwise, he was kind of cool.

French music in the background, I asked that he doesn’t take the beer named like my mom. The place was nice, but empty. As I wondered why I even bother meeting with people that I know won’t stay, I remembered that it is the exact reason why. When you know things won’t work and people are going to leave, you care less, you don’t fear pain. Fact.

I looked up to see if he had blue eyes or brown eyes and I saw that thing on the wall. A giant painting. Chubby cheeks and round body. Black on white. A giant Russian doll was staring at me.

 »Leave me alone, judgmental Russian doll », I thought

I could barely hear what my friend was saying. I smiled and acknowledged here and there, all I could think about was the Russian doll. I almost heard her accent telling me:
‘’ Your opinion is of no importance to me. ‘’ and I hated her for that.

She also reminded me of that French movie ‘’ Les poupées Russes’’. The main character compares his love life to a Russian doll, he has to the open each dolls until he reaches the last one. The good one.

But, What if you get to the last doll and you still don’t feel THE thing. I froze. I felt shivers up my spine and a pinch in my chest. My heart stopped beating in my chest, instead it was beating right between my ears. Fuck you French movie, fuck you Russian doll painting.

I managed to get back to my friend and followed the conversation until he went to the bathroom. I was left there, alone, the Russian doll smirking at me. I tried to look around, there were plants, cactus in wooden boxes, the waiter was cleaning a table with a lifeless face. Maybe the Russian doll stole his soul.

-‘’You’re okay?’’ ,he asked

(No. I am not okay. The Russian doll gives my anxiety. She reminds me how we, sometimes, sabotage our own happiness. She reminds me how hard 2017 is for overthinking hopeless romantic ladies. She reminds me that I can say I am strong, be strong feel strong, that I don’t need anyone, that time will do things and all that jazz we repeat after reading it in spiritual life blabla books, still once in a while, fear is stronger.

She reminds me that I am studying nutrition but still ate 5 cheesecakes bars today. She is clearly playing some fucked up game with my head right now, look at her. Look at her.

She wants me to open her layers until I get to the end, so that she can laugh at how I get more and more affraid each time one of her layer is not the good one. Or maybe she wants me to open all of my layers until none are left. Until I become so vulnerable that I will be the smallest ever.

She takes all of the place. The entire wall. My whole vision. And if I ask someone to remove her, or if I change place, she will still be there. At the back of my head, with her stupid chubby cheeks and her smirking smile telling me that maybe there is better under, but maybe this is it. That I should excel in every aspect of my life. That I should be stronger, stonger always stronger.

I hate her. I hate everything she is. Everything she represents to my eyes at this exact moment. And right now, this is the beginning of a panic attack, an anxiety you can’t understand, because to you this is just a stupid painting and I am, right now, an over drama queen who is freaking about this painting, imagining that its only purpose is to remind me things I tend to push away. Fuck you, Russian doll.)

-‘’ Sure, just a little tired ‘’, I smiled


Coffee talk.

« You remember that kind of stuff because you are much closer to your feelings. Like.. I don’t remember what you were wearing the first time we met… »

A blue dress. I was wearing a blue dress with matching silver and blue earrings. I remember you noticed that the blue on my earrings was the same than my dress while you moved my hair behind my ear. You had changed side of the table because the place was noisy. I thought, and still think, you just wanted to find a way to get closer to me. Also, When I told you green was my favourite color, you asked why was I wearing a blue dress and not a green one. I smiled. But the answer was, because it is matching my eyes.

I also had black heels. Heels I did not want to wear but my friend reminded me I could rock the feminine and ladylike style. Since, in a year, I have bought about 6 pairs of high heels shoes. And wear all of them regularly. My friend helped me pick my outfit. She also helped with my makeup. The exact morning before we met. That friend came to my apartment with a Starbucks Frappuccino for me. Then we went shopping.  She bought more things than I did, but I bought navy underwear’s. A 35 $ bra I also have in black shade now. I bought the bottom the same day. Otherwise I had no underwear to be proud of if I ever let you undress me.

 It was a very chilly day despite the fact we were already in May. I had to wear a grey coat. You wore a leather jacket that, later, you offered to me because I was still cold. Your black coat was matching my purse that you held later from the coffee shop to your car. Before we chose that place, you asked if I had troubles with a having coffee in a multinational. If I’d rather have a coffee at an independent. My nails were painted light pink. And my perfume was Daisy by Marc Jacob. It still is a year later.  I don’t remember these details because you mattered more than the others. I regularly remember those kind of details…I make these moment counts., I make people count, because being cold hearted and not give a fuck is a lot more intolerable and exhausting to me than feeling a thousand heartbreaking emotions at the same time.

Also, don’t you go and think me remembering these details will make me want to open my door if you show up at 2 am. These are the reasons I will double lock the entire place. Unless you have a coffee for me, no milk, no sugar. 

« I doubt that you fucked that girl. I’m quite sure SHE fucked you. »

I met this girl once.

Actually I lived with her. Back in Australia. She was one of those woman who could not care less about other people’s opinion. 

She had lived and seen. She knew how to enjoy herself and how to speak her mind. When she wanted someone to fuck off, they would fuck off. When she didnt like her steak, she would not pay for it. 

But she was not a bitch. She was always explaining herself untill people were crossing the limit. Observing her, I realised how beautiful and powerful staying calm but clear can be. I was in a full growth learning phase, you see.

When there was another beautiful girl, she would tell the girl she is pretty. She had that confidence about her, she dint need to say another girl was too thin, etc. When someone was annoying her, she would warn them.

 She was laughing a lot with me.
I was then a very not grounded 21 years old backpacker. Alone in another country. Country I loved and will always love. 

When we were going out, she was often backing me up whenever I was feeling harassed and did not know how to deal with the situation. Young man, old man , big fucking gorilla, she didnt care. No was no. Fuck off was fuck off. She showed me how to play pool and how to drink beer.  She supported me when I felt homesick. She gave me a birthday cake. She became a big sister for the time we lived together.

She had an irish accent. And was not wearing any makeup. Sometimes she was not wearing any undies under her long hippie skirt. She was very independant. She could have judge me and where I was in life.  But she never did. She was a little older. She had seen others, I guess.

I remember one time she had sex all night with someone she met at the bar. In a two streets city full of travelers, everyone knows who sleep with who. You learn to not give a damn.

Next morning we worked together at the restaurant facing the beach. The guy she had sex with,  like guys enjoy doing, proudly told someone  » mate, I fucked that girl last night. », pointing at my friend.

Someone replied with a smirk,

 « I doubt that you fucked THAT girl. I’m quite sure SHE fucked you. »

She laughed.  

That is how powerful, solidary and authentic I would like every woman to be.

Excerpt 16/Extrait 16

Thank you.

For not loving me.

In the most beautiful

Respectful way.


No pride stabbing.

Just strength growing.


Life acceptance.

Like I am worthy.

Just not the one,

You’d move mountains with.


The heart is a muscle

It heals.

But selflove makes scars.

You’ve hurt the right part

To make me grow better

For me to see beauty

In some meaningless goodbyes


I wanted you to stay

Untill we can perfectly

Kiss like inuits

In the most grown up childish way


You jumped down your pedestal.

Smiling at me

Without hurting yourself

Showing me that it is ok

The artist didn’t miss its piece of art

It just wasn’t now.

You are not the one that should stand out

On the pedestal of love

I am. I should be the one I look at,

With unconditional acceptance.


And your golden shining honey light

Is just there to remind me.

That I am crazy.

And you are silly.

Just a different

Maybe unmatching kind of insanity.

And it is ok.

I can still be happy.

And we can still share a random coffee.



Excerpt 15/extrait 15

I am Exhausted.

Tired of the most beautiful gift I’ve had

One of my best skill is tiring me

I’m exhausted of seeing beauty

Beauty in all the beasts.


I feel misread.

What the fuck is so complicated

About someone who is heart wide open

Stripped with letters

Written black on white.


No women want to be weak.

No women want to be called

At 2 in the morning.

By someone they have not seen

In weeks, in months.


I want to be free

To love widely

To sexually express myself

Without it being my worth.


No women want to be a number on a list

A name that pops up when men gets lonely

I want someone who is willing to drive around

An oversized Coffee in hand

For this hour of the evening

And while doubting if it is doable

Being requested of another kiss before saying goodbye

Even if that good night kiss

Is no promess of any future



Don’t fucking ask a night all access

Without asking how was my day

Don’t ask stupid health questions

When we both know, it is just a pretext

It insults my brain

Insults my passion.


It is NOT a women’s worth that is being destroyed

By such stupid selfish thoughtless actions

It is the worth, of the ones who make the actions

That is destroyed.

Thinking it is normal. 

To be so desperately

Self centered.

So sometimes,

I’m Exhausted.

Tired of the most beautiful gift I’ve had

One of my best skill is tiring me

Strength is exhausting.

But mandatory when born with a vagina.

In a world leaded by dicks. 

Excerpt 14/ Extrait 14

Surrender would mean

To  let your light sink in

To open up to you

Breath your affection in

To swallow your energy

Through every single kisses you place on me


I could smile back

Messy hair on the pillow.

Sunbeam through the window

My dog sneaking between us

Your eyes singing your thoughts.


I have troubles.

I have a volcano in me.

A fire they chocked.

They watered it down.

For burning too strong.

For burning differently.

But If you don’t judge, I wont either.

And if you don’t care. I won’t hold my breath.


I’m a loner.

Kind of by choice.

I can dance barefoot.

Run my finger through my hair

Wave my hips and follow the moonlight’s slow-motion

I can speak to random strangers.

I can love them.

I can partake passionate waves of words with them

Because I can trust one thing.

 They won’t really stay.

They are not real life.

If they try to be.

I can become ice.


I want to be a fire again.

I want to hold my cup with both hands

Knowing your smile warmed the rest of my being

Believe me I am aware the world is tiny.

And some things are bigger than you and me


I can be grounded.

Rationnal. Organised.

Crawl on the ground.

Fight in the mud.

Fight to stand up.


I do have some problems, like anyone else.

I have a volcano in me.

A fire they chocked.

They watered it down.

They fought authenticity

To put themselves on pedestals

And fuck – they were on the way to win.

But not on me. Not ever.


Pain doesn’t scare me.

Peace did.

Mochaccinos on a rainy Friday does.

Sunny late morning in bed does.

Back to the start feeling does.

But If you don’t judge, I won’t either.

And if you can’t handle. I can’t do anything about it.


I get angry. I cry. I shake.

I choke on my own emotions.

I laugh a lot. I look at lights.

Like they were made by fairies.

I drink beer. And worship green smoothies.

I eat junk. And drink dandelions.

I hike mountains with high heels.

I love widely. Fiercly. Truly.

I have an intense love for feelings.

Because it is not something you plan

Or rationnalised. You just deal with it.


I have a Volcano in me.

If you don’t judge me.

I won’t judge either.

If you don’t water it down.

It won’t explode.

It will slowly keep the fire burning.

So I can finally fearlessly

Open up and surrender.

To you, but to me.

« Love yourself-with a Kung Fu grip. » -J.Sincero

I am reading this book. You are a Badass, by Jen Sincero. In the past days, I read a chapter about forgiveness. The whole concept of forgiving yourself, forgiving others. Not for them, but to set you free, find an inner peace that allows you to move forward in life.

We read those things and it is things we know. It is also things our best friends and family reminds us. The kind of thing we remind our friends as well. But applying it can be a lot harder.

I did something difficult. I tried the thing. I had been questioning myself a lot. Not my worth. I know my worth. I am aware of my inner beauty, power and strength. I know some things are way stronger than our human power. Things we can’t control. Feelings, people’s judgements and opinions, other people’s willingness. Choices. How good or how bad people can be. Anything that does not belong to us.

It takes the hell of a work to stay at peace with yourself.

I know and am reminded that some people might not just be my cup of tea, some events are just not worth putting efforts in, if it does not allow my light to shine the way it deserves to, and that it is ok to be and feel that way I do.

I recently felt a crush deep inside. What if there was something wrong? I know there is not. I also know I was holding on grudges. Blaming past experiences for the way I am feeling. I did not let go of some things. And kept telling myself that I was not giving a fuck. And by saying it in an angry way, I was kind of still giving a fuck.

 So, I picked up the phone. My old phone because I didn’t know the numbers I needed to call. Yes, ladies and gents. The last persons who affected my pride. -( and, No, not any exes haha- come on guys !)

I called the persons my friends would not want me to call. And had the coffee my coach would not want me to have at 11 pm. But let’s face the truth. In natural therapy, healing the symptoms is only a phase to make people feel better while they can work on a deeper kind of healing-at the source.

But WTF crossed my mind?

I guess I just wanted to be happy. And decided to take the lead. And if it didn’t work, well I would have move on.  But it worked. (for those who wonder)

I didn’t go for the other persons. I went there for me. It was like sitting in front of a weird mirror. Confirming to me what I already knew but needed to hear a last time. I know I am now aware enough of my worth that I would not be affected if it turned badly or if the persons said non constructive things. (That is kind of important when you go to war-with yourself- to be mentally prepared)

The other persons could have not said anything else than ‘’ Sky is blue. Grass is green’’ I would have had the same feeling at listening to them. I am good enough. And I now ALOUD myself to be free from that suffering.

‘’Forgiving is not about being nice to them. It is about being nice to yourself.’’

I didn’t go there to say: I forgive you all to be jerks

I went there to say:  OK. I forgive myself to have had self doubt. I am grateful to have grown up. Because it is all that matters in the end. And you are free doing your ass things, I am free to be the awesome person that I am.

You are never responsible for people being mean or players, fuck with, not well intentioned.

But you are responsible for your happiness. And I think I was not ready to admit that I chose suffering to be able to blame myself. And when it felt too heavy, blame the other person for my unhappiness.

I have spent 15 minutes saying:  Do it. Regardless of people’s opinion or point of view. They do not understand. They will not understand. It is not their job to understand. It is not their inner battle anyways, nor related to their life experience. It is yours. And what is yours, you control.

I am following this coach on the internet, she often speaks about people’s relationship with their own suffering. I remember she was explaining that we live on the edge, between Choosing our suffering and choosing self growth. How it is ok to stay in phase 1 until we are ready to jump in phase 2.  A bit like I explained in a previous article: We accept the love we think we deserve.

To get strength, you need to face your own vulnerabilities. And every battles win, brings you the tools to win the next one coming.

By choosing to fight in a peaceful way, I won peace. What a great tool.

Today it is sunny inside of me. 

And I wish you all a very good day. X

Excerpt 13/ Extrait 13

You will never forget me.

I will tear your down.

I will hurt your ego.

I will stab your pride.

I will let you down.

And I will come back.

Once in a while.

To make sure you don’t heal.

To re open your wound.

You will never forget me.

Every where you go.

You’ll fear to see me.

When you turn the page,

I will rewrite myself.

So you see my footsteps

Everywhere your eyes go.

I will remind you

To trust no one.

To fear other people.

That your body is not a temple.

It is a playground.

My playground.

But I don’t want it.

I just love to know it’s mine.

You will think of me.

When you’ll meet someone new.

Every first kiss.

Every time it gets serious.

Everytime it won’t be serious.

Every time you wonder,

If you are good enough.

And when you realise that you are

I will come back your way.

To make sure you remind me

Because I am wonderful.

I can do whatever I want.

And blame it on you.

While I make sure you don’t forget

I’m the best nightmare you’ll ever get.

Excerpt 12/Extrait 12

I’m sorry. I never asked for a nice dinner.I couldn’t care less about flowers.I wanted fireworks and sparks.Run away one night.I wanted to make one with you.Melt in the grass.Do nothing but sit in a blanket fort.Tell eachothers stories.Funny stories. And I wanted to know.

How your alcoholic dad pushed your mom into another country.

How it felt the first time you spoke french. 

How you started to get into combats.

Why did you choosing acting.

How many languages do you speak.

How long have you played guitar.

How old were you when you moved here.

How did it feel to move here alone.

How was it when your parents splitted.

Do you miss your dad.

Is it hard to have moved so young with your family.

Do your parents miss you.

Where is your sister.

Are you close to your brother.

How long have your parents been together.

Did you like having no siblings.

Wich country did you prefer.

Wich one is your favourite beatles.

Do you like the smiths as well.

Why is green your favourite color.

Why is blue your favourite color.

Why is red your favourite color.

Can you show me to roll my R.

Can you teach me russian.

Can you teach me spanish.

Can you teach me arabic.

Can you teach me gaelic.

Can you teach me korean.

Can you teach me expressions from your country.

Can you teach me irish.

Can you correct my english.

Can you teach me italian.

Can you surf.

Can you swim.

Can you dance.

Can you sing.

Why is George Harrison your favourite.

Can you teach me how to cook belgium pancakes.

Is it real food is bad in Uk.

What do you think of Paris.

Do you prefer black tea.

Do you drink coffee. 

Have you ever loved.

Are you able to.

Am I pretty.

Am I intelligent.

Will you remember me. 

It was you.

The real you.The one with a silent laugh And a noisy mind.I spoke about you.Like you were the one lightening up the moon.I could have avoid you. But I chose you. Here and there. And I would choose you all over again. And we don’t have to say goodbye forever. But we have to say goodnight. Long night. Maybe when I wake up, you will be gone. Maybe when I wake up, I will be away. Or maybe we will be two strangers again. Then you will say hello, and I will say goobye.

New year/Nouvel an

You did not think I would go without a New Year post, did you ? 

In case you were not aware of it. You will not wake up different in 2017, just like you do not wake up any different on a birthday morning. Changes happen to people who dare making it happen.

While 2016 has been a bitch on a worldwide point of view, my personal 2016 has been a battlefield where I am still fighting, but on my way to win the war. 

To make it short and quick. I had reach a point of unhappiness about myself to a point I felt like my existence was a weight to myself and to other people. A feeling I wish to no one.

 When you feel like you have not much left, it is a challenge to have to face yourself and your flaws in order to get better and trace a path. 

To make decisions for yourself and accept the consequences of it.

To step out of your habbits and fiercely jump into life to make real changes. 

I am happy of what I have achieve yet. I am happy of the trust I have put back in myself. 

I am happy of the people I met this year, even the less pleasant one, who have help me built back my values. 

I hape grateful of the few people who stood. The ones who have seen my ups, my downs, my differences with them and still, understood that’s what made our relations stronger.

I am grateful for the ones who left, in a respectful way.

 And the ones who have been fuckwiths, who have break my ego to the point of making me realise I have so much worth and love to give, I don’t have to waste it on people who dont want it or deserve it.

Still at war, still have so many projects to come, except now I am happy of it and realise the only light there is in this life is the reflection of the love you give and the one you accept to let in. 

Ready to keep rocking  in 2017 and wish you all a Happy Healthy New Year xo



Vous pensiez quand même pas quenjw ferais pas de post Nouvel An?

Au cas où vous l’auriez pas réalisé, vous ne vous réveillerai pas différemment en 2017, comme on se réveille pas différenr le jour de notre fête. Les changements arrivent à ceux qui ose les faire arriver.

Alors que 2016 à été une chienne au niveau mondial, mon 2016 perso a été un champs de bataille sur lequel je me bas toujours, mais est sur le point de gagner.

Pour faire ça court, j’avais atteint un point de tristesse et de mal être où mon existence ME paraissait comme un poids pour moi même et pour les autres. Un sentiment qu’on souhaite à personne.

Quand tu ressens que tu n’as plus grand chose à perdre, c’est un défi de te regarder, de voir tes erreurs pour te tracer un plan et un chemin.

De faire des choix pour toi et d’en accepter les conséquences. 

De sortir de ses habitudes et de férocemment sauter dans vie pour faire de vraies changements.

Je suis heureuse de ce que j’ai accomplie à date. De la confiance que je me suis redonnée.

Je suis contente des gens que j’ai rencontree. Pas toujours plaisant mais de qui j’ai pu apprendre  davantage sur mes valeurs.

Je suis heureuse des quelques personnes qui sont restées. Ceux qui ont vu mes ups et mes downs, mes différences avec eux et qui ont compris, cest ce qui fait nos relations plus forte.

Je suis reconnaissante de ceux qui sont partis, de façon respectueuse.

 Et ceux qui ont été des fuckwiths. Qui m’ont peté l’égo au point de me faire réaliser à quel point j’ai de la valeur et de l’amour à donner. Que jai pas à le perdre sur les gens qui n’en veulent pas ou ne le méritent pas.

Toujours à la guerre, toujours pleins de projets, mais ça me fait plaisir et je réalise que la seule lumière cest la réflexion de notre amour, celui qu’on donne, celui qu’on accepte.

Prête à rocker en 2017, je vous souhaite une Bonne année santé xo