I don’t know what happened lately. I was not able to be proud of myself. It is like the bubbly, think positive, proud of my achievements and pro authenticity Sophie was gone for a long, long sleep. I always speak about being proud of our path regardless of the choices and battles that we had in our life.
I had different things happenings lately. Nothing important. I guess I was maybe tired. Summer ending quite quickly, my car keeps having unexpected breakage, lots of work and studies. I find hard to connect with people even thought I have wonderful relations with my close friends and family. I didn’t go to the gym for 3 weeks now, because it is just too easy to justify not going to the gym, isn’t it?
I started doubting things in my life. Not my current life, I love my life. My past life. Being upset about old things. Old choices. Trying to imagine how things would be. If my life would have been maybe better. Maybe worst.
I recently lived a kind of rejection, which is fine, but the person used a story from my past as a justification and it just ended up being the rotten cherry on top of my badly fogged mind.
Sentences like: ‘’there is no failures, only learnings’’ or ‘’what must happen, happens for a reason’’ made no senses to me anymore in the last weeks.
I was trying to seek explanations for useless concerns I have and trying to convince me that I brought myself to be worthless and unworthy. And that self sabotage would be the explanation to me being tired. (As if I had never heard of vitamin D before…)
I was telling myself these kinds of ugly lies. Lies are like diseases.
Today I forced myself in a day off. I went for a hike. I hesitated between 2 trails. I picked the easiest one and forgot the paper with the name at home. So, I entered the hard one in my gps. I ended up at a 16 km trail. The first part was amazing. There was so many waterfalls.
Then suddenly it was long and hard. I had bad cardio. I was tired. I fell a couple of time and was scratched everywhere. A man looked at my dog and I, he laughed. He said we should considerate doing only a half trail as I don’t have a ‘’hiking type of dog’’ and I was scratched all over from the ‘’easy part’’ of the trail.
At some point, I got lost out of the trail and thought I should as well go back, indeed. I had seen enough beautiful things, anyways didn’t I? I saw a map on a tree. Walked all the way to it. There was a sight view at 3km up. My puppy looked at me and started running up the trail. I followed.
Up there were endless mountains with colorful trees. A breath taking view. The sky was the bluest. Nature was playing its nice sounds and finally some wind made the temperature bearable. I heard my favourite bird sing. I don’t know what bird it is, I only know its sound. I gave water to my dog and sat.
Busted in tears. It is hard to admitt because it means I accept to be vulnerable.
I was just happy we had walked all the way up here. And I was so exhausted. I cried so much I double checked if I was maybe just in my period, hahaha…
‘’ Tomorrow when I’ll be too sore to function normally I will think of this’’ I thought.
And stopped crying.
How did I dare be so mean to myself in the past weeks?
I am so glad of everything I have achieved in my life and things I have learned from my battles. I am so grateful of my choices, good or bad. I am aware of the beautiful things I must offer to this world from these experiences. I am a result of these things that made who I am now. I don’t regret my past experiences. I never did. Why would I now? I would not be able to be me without this past…and I am great. If not, it is the future that I will create and not the past that would arrange this.
I felt a sort of relief. The kind of well being you only feel when you get an orgasm. I forgave myself for my dark thoughts about myself.
I had just made love to my scars.
The walk back was easier. I even splashed chilly water from the water fall all over my face and clothes.
Once back at the car someone said
‘’ – That tiny dog didn’t hike all the way to the waterfalls?
- No, she did the whole trail.
- You did the entire trail? You know, it is easier from the other side …
- But this way so worthy…’’
I wave to my little monster to hop in the car. She jumped in, Then hopped on my seat. Then on hers.
I opened the windows, opened the radio, and drove off with the loudest ‘’here comes the sun’’ from The Beatles that you have ever heard in your life.