I am reading this book. You are a Badass, by Jen Sincero. In the past days, I read a chapter about forgiveness. The whole concept of forgiving yourself, forgiving others. Not for them, but to set you free, find an inner peace that allows you to move forward in life.
We read those things and it is things we know. It is also things our best friends and family reminds us. The kind of thing we remind our friends as well. But applying it can be a lot harder.
I did something difficult. I tried the thing. I had been questioning myself a lot. Not my worth. I know my worth. I am aware of my inner beauty, power and strength. I know some things are way stronger than our human power. Things we can’t control. Feelings, people’s judgements and opinions, other people’s willingness. Choices. How good or how bad people can be. Anything that does not belong to us.
It takes the hell of a work to stay at peace with yourself.
I know and am reminded that some people might not just be my cup of tea, some events are just not worth putting efforts in, if it does not allow my light to shine the way it deserves to, and that it is ok to be and feel that way I do.
I recently felt a crush deep inside. What if there was something wrong? I know there is not. I also know I was holding on grudges. Blaming past experiences for the way I am feeling. I did not let go of some things. And kept telling myself that I was not giving a fuck. And by saying it in an angry way, I was kind of still giving a fuck.
So, I picked up the phone. My old phone because I didn’t know the numbers I needed to call. Yes, ladies and gents. The last persons who affected my pride. -( and, No, not any exes haha- come on guys !)
I called the persons my friends would not want me to call. And had the coffee my coach would not want me to have at 11 pm. But let’s face the truth. In natural therapy, healing the symptoms is only a phase to make people feel better while they can work on a deeper kind of healing-at the source.
But WTF crossed my mind?
I guess I just wanted to be happy. And decided to take the lead. And if it didn’t work, well I would have move on. But it worked. (for those who wonder)
I didn’t go for the other persons. I went there for me. It was like sitting in front of a weird mirror. Confirming to me what I already knew but needed to hear a last time. I know I am now aware enough of my worth that I would not be affected if it turned badly or if the persons said non constructive things. (That is kind of important when you go to war-with yourself- to be mentally prepared)
The other persons could have not said anything else than ‘’ Sky is blue. Grass is green’’ I would have had the same feeling at listening to them. I am good enough. And I now ALOUD myself to be free from that suffering.
‘’Forgiving is not about being nice to them. It is about being nice to yourself.’’
I didn’t go there to say: I forgive you all to be jerks
I went there to say: OK. I forgive myself to have had self doubt. I am grateful to have grown up. Because it is all that matters in the end. And you are free doing your ass things, I am free to be the awesome person that I am.
You are never responsible for people being mean or players, fuck with, not well intentioned.
But you are responsible for your happiness. And I think I was not ready to admit that I chose suffering to be able to blame myself. And when it felt too heavy, blame the other person for my unhappiness.
I have spent 15 minutes saying: Do it. Regardless of people’s opinion or point of view. They do not understand. They will not understand. It is not their job to understand. It is not their inner battle anyways, nor related to their life experience. It is yours. And what is yours, you control.
I am following this coach on the internet, she often speaks about people’s relationship with their own suffering. I remember she was explaining that we live on the edge, between Choosing our suffering and choosing self growth. How it is ok to stay in phase 1 until we are ready to jump in phase 2. A bit like I explained in a previous article: We accept the love we think we deserve.
To get strength, you need to face your own vulnerabilities. And every battles win, brings you the tools to win the next one coming.
By choosing to fight in a peaceful way, I won peace. What a great tool.
Today it is sunny inside of me.
And I wish you all a very good day. X