Excerpt 16/Extrait 16

Thank you.

For not loving me.

In the most beautiful

Respectful way.

 

No pride stabbing.

Just strength growing.

Honesty.Authenticity.

Life acceptance.

Like I am worthy.

Just not the one,

You’d move mountains with.

 

The heart is a muscle

It heals.

But selflove makes scars.

You’ve hurt the right part

To make me grow better

For me to see beauty

In some meaningless goodbyes

 

I wanted you to stay

Untill we can perfectly

Kiss like inuits

In the most grown up childish way

 

You jumped down your pedestal.

Smiling at me

Without hurting yourself

Showing me that it is ok

The artist didn’t miss its piece of art

It just wasn’t now.

You are not the one that should stand out

On the pedestal of love

I am. I should be the one I look at,

With unconditional acceptance.

 

And your golden shining honey light

Is just there to remind me.

That I am crazy.

And you are silly.

Just a different

Maybe unmatching kind of insanity.

And it is ok.

I can still be happy.

And we can still share a random coffee.

x

 

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Excerpt 15/extrait 15

I am Exhausted.

Tired of the most beautiful gift I’ve had

One of my best skill is tiring me

I’m exhausted of seeing beauty

Beauty in all the beasts.

 

I feel misread.

What the fuck is so complicated

About someone who is heart wide open

Stripped with letters

Written black on white.

 

No women want to be weak.

No women want to be called

At 2 in the morning.

By someone they have not seen

In weeks, in months.

 

I want to be free

To love widely

To sexually express myself

Without it being my worth.

 

No women want to be a number on a list

A name that pops up when men gets lonely

I want someone who is willing to drive around

An oversized Coffee in hand

For this hour of the evening

And while doubting if it is doable

Being requested of another kiss before saying goodbye

Even if that good night kiss

Is no promess of any future

 

 

Don’t fucking ask a night all access

Without asking how was my day

Don’t ask stupid health questions

When we both know, it is just a pretext

It insults my brain

Insults my passion.

 

It is NOT a women’s worth that is being destroyed

By such stupid selfish thoughtless actions

It is the worth, of the ones who make the actions

That is destroyed.

Thinking it is normal. 

To be so desperately

Self centered.


So sometimes,

I’m Exhausted.

Tired of the most beautiful gift I’ve had

One of my best skill is tiring me

Strength is exhausting.

But mandatory when born with a vagina.

In a world leaded by dicks. 


Excerpt 14/ Extrait 14

Surrender would mean

To  let your light sink in

To open up to you

Breath your affection in

To swallow your energy

Through every single kisses you place on me

 

I could smile back

Messy hair on the pillow.

Sunbeam through the window

My dog sneaking between us

Your eyes singing your thoughts.

 

I have troubles.

I have a volcano in me.

A fire they chocked.

They watered it down.

For burning too strong.

For burning differently.

But If you don’t judge, I wont either.

And if you don’t care. I won’t hold my breath.

 

I’m a loner.

Kind of by choice.

I can dance barefoot.

Run my finger through my hair

Wave my hips and follow the moonlight’s slow-motion

I can speak to random strangers.

I can love them.

I can partake passionate waves of words with them

Because I can trust one thing.

 They won’t really stay.

They are not real life.

If they try to be.

I can become ice.

 

I want to be a fire again.

I want to hold my cup with both hands

Knowing your smile warmed the rest of my being

Believe me I am aware the world is tiny.

And some things are bigger than you and me

 

I can be grounded.

Rationnal. Organised.

Crawl on the ground.

Fight in the mud.

Fight to stand up.

 

I do have some problems, like anyone else.

I have a volcano in me.

A fire they chocked.

They watered it down.

They fought authenticity

To put themselves on pedestals

And fuck – they were on the way to win.

But not on me. Not ever.

 

Pain doesn’t scare me.

Peace did.

Mochaccinos on a rainy Friday does.

Sunny late morning in bed does.

Back to the start feeling does.

But If you don’t judge, I won’t either.

And if you can’t handle. I can’t do anything about it.

 

I get angry. I cry. I shake.

I choke on my own emotions.

I laugh a lot. I look at lights.

Like they were made by fairies.

I drink beer. And worship green smoothies.

I eat junk. And drink dandelions.

I hike mountains with high heels.

I love widely. Fiercly. Truly.

I have an intense love for feelings.

Because it is not something you plan

Or rationnalised. You just deal with it.

 

I have a Volcano in me.

If you don’t judge me.

I won’t judge either.

If you don’t water it down.

It won’t explode.

It will slowly keep the fire burning.

So I can finally fearlessly

Open up and surrender.

To you, but to me.

« Love yourself-with a Kung Fu grip. » -J.Sincero

I am reading this book. You are a Badass, by Jen Sincero. In the past days, I read a chapter about forgiveness. The whole concept of forgiving yourself, forgiving others. Not for them, but to set you free, find an inner peace that allows you to move forward in life.

We read those things and it is things we know. It is also things our best friends and family reminds us. The kind of thing we remind our friends as well. But applying it can be a lot harder.

I did something difficult. I tried the thing. I had been questioning myself a lot. Not my worth. I know my worth. I am aware of my inner beauty, power and strength. I know some things are way stronger than our human power. Things we can’t control. Feelings, people’s judgements and opinions, other people’s willingness. Choices. How good or how bad people can be. Anything that does not belong to us.

It takes the hell of a work to stay at peace with yourself.

I know and am reminded that some people might not just be my cup of tea, some events are just not worth putting efforts in, if it does not allow my light to shine the way it deserves to, and that it is ok to be and feel that way I do.

I recently felt a crush deep inside. What if there was something wrong? I know there is not. I also know I was holding on grudges. Blaming past experiences for the way I am feeling. I did not let go of some things. And kept telling myself that I was not giving a fuck. And by saying it in an angry way, I was kind of still giving a fuck.

 So, I picked up the phone. My old phone because I didn’t know the numbers I needed to call. Yes, ladies and gents. The last persons who affected my pride. -( and, No, not any exes haha- come on guys !)

I called the persons my friends would not want me to call. And had the coffee my coach would not want me to have at 11 pm. But let’s face the truth. In natural therapy, healing the symptoms is only a phase to make people feel better while they can work on a deeper kind of healing-at the source.

But WTF crossed my mind?

I guess I just wanted to be happy. And decided to take the lead. And if it didn’t work, well I would have move on.  But it worked. (for those who wonder)

I didn’t go for the other persons. I went there for me. It was like sitting in front of a weird mirror. Confirming to me what I already knew but needed to hear a last time. I know I am now aware enough of my worth that I would not be affected if it turned badly or if the persons said non constructive things. (That is kind of important when you go to war-with yourself- to be mentally prepared)

The other persons could have not said anything else than ‘’ Sky is blue. Grass is green’’ I would have had the same feeling at listening to them. I am good enough. And I now ALOUD myself to be free from that suffering.

‘’Forgiving is not about being nice to them. It is about being nice to yourself.’’

I didn’t go there to say: I forgive you all to be jerks

I went there to say:  OK. I forgive myself to have had self doubt. I am grateful to have grown up. Because it is all that matters in the end. And you are free doing your ass things, I am free to be the awesome person that I am.

You are never responsible for people being mean or players, fuck with, not well intentioned.

But you are responsible for your happiness. And I think I was not ready to admit that I chose suffering to be able to blame myself. And when it felt too heavy, blame the other person for my unhappiness.

I have spent 15 minutes saying:  Do it. Regardless of people’s opinion or point of view. They do not understand. They will not understand. It is not their job to understand. It is not their inner battle anyways, nor related to their life experience. It is yours. And what is yours, you control.

I am following this coach on the internet, she often speaks about people’s relationship with their own suffering. I remember she was explaining that we live on the edge, between Choosing our suffering and choosing self growth. How it is ok to stay in phase 1 until we are ready to jump in phase 2.  A bit like I explained in a previous article: We accept the love we think we deserve.

To get strength, you need to face your own vulnerabilities. And every battles win, brings you the tools to win the next one coming.

By choosing to fight in a peaceful way, I won peace. What a great tool.

Today it is sunny inside of me. 

And I wish you all a very good day. X

Excerpt 13/ Extrait 13

You will never forget me.

I will tear your down.

I will hurt your ego.

I will stab your pride.

I will let you down.

And I will come back.

Once in a while.

To make sure you don’t heal.

To re open your wound.

You will never forget me.

Every where you go.

You’ll fear to see me.

When you turn the page,

I will rewrite myself.

So you see my footsteps

Everywhere your eyes go.

I will remind you

To trust no one.

To fear other people.

That your body is not a temple.

It is a playground.

My playground.

But I don’t want it.

I just love to know it’s mine.

You will think of me.

When you’ll meet someone new.

Every first kiss.

Every time it gets serious.

Everytime it won’t be serious.

Every time you wonder,

If you are good enough.

And when you realise that you are

I will come back your way.

To make sure you remind me

Because I am wonderful.

I can do whatever I want.

And blame it on you.

While I make sure you don’t forget

I’m the best nightmare you’ll ever get.

Excerpt 12/Extrait 12

I’m sorry. I never asked for a nice dinner.I couldn’t care less about flowers.I wanted fireworks and sparks.Run away one night.I wanted to make one with you.Melt in the grass.Do nothing but sit in a blanket fort.Tell eachothers stories.Funny stories. And I wanted to know.

How your alcoholic dad pushed your mom into another country.

How it felt the first time you spoke french. 

How you started to get into combats.

Why did you choosing acting.

How many languages do you speak.

How long have you played guitar.

How old were you when you moved here.

How did it feel to move here alone.

How was it when your parents splitted.

Do you miss your dad.

Is it hard to have moved so young with your family.

Do your parents miss you.

Where is your sister.

Are you close to your brother.

How long have your parents been together.

Did you like having no siblings.

Wich country did you prefer.

Wich one is your favourite beatles.

Do you like the smiths as well.

Why is green your favourite color.

Why is blue your favourite color.

Why is red your favourite color.

Can you show me to roll my R.

Can you teach me russian.

Can you teach me spanish.

Can you teach me arabic.

Can you teach me gaelic.

Can you teach me korean.

Can you teach me expressions from your country.

Can you teach me irish.

Can you correct my english.

Can you teach me italian.

Can you surf.

Can you swim.

Can you dance.

Can you sing.

Why is George Harrison your favourite.

Can you teach me how to cook belgium pancakes.

Is it real food is bad in Uk.

What do you think of Paris.

Do you prefer black tea.

Do you drink coffee. 

Have you ever loved.

Are you able to.

Am I pretty.

Am I intelligent.

Will you remember me. 

It was you.

The real you.The one with a silent laugh And a noisy mind.I spoke about you.Like you were the one lightening up the moon.I could have avoid you. But I chose you. Here and there. And I would choose you all over again. And we don’t have to say goodbye forever. But we have to say goodnight. Long night. Maybe when I wake up, you will be gone. Maybe when I wake up, I will be away. Or maybe we will be two strangers again. Then you will say hello, and I will say goobye.

Excerpt 11/extrait 11

« I do not do stuff just because it is the right thing to do.  I just have my own unique way to feel so much. Everyday, every beats of my heart are strong, honest, pure and true. I have an endless passion and devotion for what I think is worthy of being called beautiful.

I don’t pick up criterias on a premade list. I feel deeply. As I walk up in the street or just glance at someone through a glass window, if I see light into people , I think they are worthy. Regardless of their past, their flaws. I have admiration for the potential they could have if their strenght and their heart were synchronised. I am in love with the perfect imperfection of humanity.

I usually end up giving myself heart wide open, all my love, my passion, my strenght, to save people.

I therefore have no other choices than to face the fact I will have to save me first.
(…)
Because I AM a beautiful, strong, intentionnal, shining person. But right now I cant be that for another person.

Maybe once I will feel healed I might say a better goodbye »

Reminder/ Rappel

If someone trying to be happy grow in you a sort of darkness; work on yourself. The problem is not them nor their life choices that are different from yours. It is your injured selflove who doesnt like to be waken up.

S.

………………..

Si une personne essayant d’être heureuse fait grandir en vous une forme de noiceur; travaillez sur vous même. Le problème n’est pas des autres et de leurs choix qui différent des votres. C’est votre amour propre blessé qui n’aime pas être réveillé.

S.

We accept the love we think we deserve/Nous acceptons l’amour que nous pensons mériter.

(Français en dessous)

Why is it that whenever there is a person leaving our life, even if that person was toxic and her departure is good news, we feel sad instead of grateful?

 We accept the love we think we deserve.

No matter if it is in a relationship, friendship, work, family, people  wanting good for us but wanting good from us are everywhere and will always be around.  

By toxic I do not mean those people who does not give you what your heart want because they cant. I mean those people who have such a bad inner energy or no good real intentions that it wakes you up at 4 in the morning, breathless. 

Inner peace suckers and selflove cancers.
 I think part of us are so used to their suffering that living without it brings a scary grief. When we get attached to our suffering, victimise ourself, we become our suffering. Letting go of it makes us feel like we are losing a part of our identity, therefore we need to move forward to the unknown.

I think this is the part most of us fear. We have done it many time. And most of the time when looking at the past  we are happy we did the big step to move forward. But still, when time comes to do it again, we often freeze. 

In the physical health point of view, people are often not listening to their bodies. I say we get so used to our signs of toxicity, that we live with them instead of making life habbits changes. Then when the disease strikes, we put triple efforts, if we have some energy left and ask why is this happening to us. 

Same happens to our emotional health. We accept some situations instead of taking control of it. And when pain strikes, we need to put triple efforts to heal. We accept struggle.

I work under the rule of : Choosing healthy is choosing selflove. We do not choose our genetics,we have made choices that brought us no good, but here and now we are giving the great opportunity of making new choices again and again to get better, to be the best we can be.

Unhealthy relationships are part of a choice. We are aloud to say NO to it. We might like a part of these relations. But no little bright moments are worth lack of selfrespect. 

Leave this job that make you cry when you have to punch in. Stop begging for people’s friendship. Stop waiting for your family’s approval. Stop keeping the door open for that bad boy and then wait at the doorstep for him to come back after he has stabbed you in the chest several times. Because he will come back. They will all come back to see if they forgot a piece of you.

(It is all your job to not see everything all black or all white in my writting, not mine.)

Grief and let go.

We accept the love we think we deserve.

————————–

Pourquoi lorsqu’une personne quitte notre vie, même si elle était toxique et que son départ est une bonne nouvelle, nous ressentons de la tristesse au lieu de la gratitude?

 Nous acceptons l’amour que nous pensons mériter.

Peu importe qu’il s’agisse d’une relation amoureuse, amitié, emploi, famille, les gens qui ne nous veulent aucun bien , mais qui veulent du bien de nous sont partout et seront toujours partout. 

Par toxique, je ne parles pas des gens qui ne nous donnent pas ce que notre coeur désire parce qu’ils peuvent simplement pas. Je parles des gens qui ont une énergique si mauvaise et aucunes réelles bonnes ntentions que cela nous réveille sans souffle à 4h du matin.

Des vampires de la paix intérieur et des cancers de l’amour propre.
 Je penses qu’une part de nous sont tellement habitué à nos souffrances que vivre sans elles emmènent un deuil effrayant. Lorsqu’on s’attache à nos souffrances, on devient victime,on devient  notre souffrance. Laissez aller nous donne l’impression de perdre une lartie de notre identitée et nous devons avancer dans l’inconnu.

Je pense que c’est la partie qui nous fige. Nous l’avons fait à mainte reprises et souvent, en regardant en arrière nous sommes heureux de l’avoir fait. Quand vient le temps de le refaire nous figeons quand même.

Du point de vue santé physique, les gens n’écoutent pas leur corps. Je dis qu’on devient si habitué aux signes d’intoxications que nous vivons avec au lieu de faire des changements d’habitudes de vie. Quand la maladie frappe, nous devons mettre triple d’efforts s’il nous reste de l’énergie et nous nous demandons pourquoi cela  nous arrive.

Le même évènement arrive dans notre santé émotionelle. Nous acceptons certaines situations au lieu de prendre le contrôle. Quand la douleur arrive nous devons mettre triple d’efforts pour guérir. Noud acceptons la souffrance.

Je travaille sous la loi de : Choisir la santé c’est choisir de s’aimer. Nous ne choisissons pas notre génétique, nous avons fait des choix qui ne nous ont emmenez aucuns bien, mais ici et maintenant nous pouvons faire de nouveaux choix pour aller nieux et être à notre mieux.

Les relations non saines font partie d’un choix. Nous pouvons dire NON. Nous aimons peut-être une partie de ces relations, mais aucuns petits moments de clartée vaut un manque de respect.

Laissez ce travail qui vous fait pleurer quand vient le temps de commencer. Arrêtez de supplier les gens pour leur amitié. Arrêtez d’attendre pour l’approbation de vos familles. Arrêtez de garder une porte ouverte pour un mauvais gars et d’attendre sur le balcon qu’il revienne après vous avoir poignardé dans la poitrine à plusieurs reprises. Car il va revenir. Ils vont tous revenir voir s’ils ont oublié un morceau de vous.

( c’est votre travail de pas tout voir ce que j’écrit en noir ou en blanc, pas le mien…)

Vivez votre deuil et laissez aller.

Nous acceptons l’amour que nous pensons mériter.

excerpt 10/extrait 10

You stared at me like you never saw me before
And it felt like a forbidden fruit offered by a snake
Your accent tasted like a sweet wine
But I didn’t call you.

You came for me.
You came differently.
No cold after moment.
Full of blankets and of do you want some water
No cheap kisses on the cheeks.
Real French kisses with a mouth full of tongues
You felt real.
You sounded true.
And you left like a real man.

I almost believed
You had read my mind.
But,
Before you blinked
I was a gone for good woman.